Spiders and Universal Love

When I was in high school the boy sitting behind me decided to make a funny joke. He took a beetle from the school yard and put it quickly under my blouse. I didn't expect it and was so shocked I couldn't move. The beetle was trying to get out scratching my skin. I was terrified. Screaming and crying I had no other choice than take off my blouse in front of everyone to take the beetle out. My face turned yellow then white. The humiliation and the disgust from the beetle legs scratching my skin was so big that I almost passed out. 

It took me years to recover. But the truth is I've never fully recovered. I was vomiting every time I saw a beetle or a spider. The spider legs were just like beetle's one's and the spider movements reminded me of beetle's one's too. So I got a spider and beetle phobia and nothing could help me to recover from this nightmare. Every time I saw a spider or a beetle I was shaking, screaming and crying. I even couldn't look at pictures containing their images. I was already convinced that this is my life and I can't do anything to change it. 

But... the Universe is a very smart, loving and beautiful living being. And she obviously decided to change my fear into something else. I moved out eight months ago and went to live in another house with a cute little garden. I was so happy until the moment I've realized that this house was a home for literally hundreds of spiders. I was more then terrified. I didn't know how I was going to survive there without going crazy. It was really, really hard. We were cleaning the house from them but several hours later new ones would come from somewhere. I was so desperate. Constantly trying not to vomit looking at them. 

One day I was cleaning the bathroom and a spider fell from the ceiling directly in the bathtub full with water. It was drowning in front of my eyes but I couldn't even look at it. It was so disgusting to me. The spider was moving desperately, its tiny legs frantic trying to get out. 

And then my heart just cracked. I couldn't look at it struggling to survive, I just couldn't let it die. Then I forced myself to look at it and suppress my vomiting desire. I told myself "this is a living creature, a living being like every other being on this planet. It deserves to live. It deserves help, like I would deserve help if I was the drowning one". 

And then I saw the beauty in this spider. I saw and felt the Universe's love in this little spider. The love she felt when she created it. "It wont do anything bad to me" I said to myself. I just need to help it get out of the water. And I did it. I took some paper and put it under its legs so it could hold to the paper and left it outside the bathtub. I was shaking and my face was white as snow. But I did it. 

The next day I tried again. Saw one spider in the garden. Went there and forced myself to look at it. And I was looking at it so long that I didn't even remember how long I'm staring. And I felt that love again. This was just a tiny little creature. So fragile and innocent. And then I realized that there is no fear when love comes. There is no fear bigger than love. I still can't touch them but I'm slowly getting there.

- Тонева Жасмина 2021 (shared with permission)